Monday, March 3, 2008

Sermon of Red Rock Half Marathon

Congregation, please be seated.

We are gathered here to hear the recollection of the time known as the “rocking of Red Rock”.

First, let us begin by opening our logbooks to page 03/01/2008. Bear witness to the word of Garmin where-in it is told of the amazing time 02:21:13. Behold the previous time 02:42:48.

Yes, ladies and gentle man, that is correct. Over 20 minutes. That’s two zero.

Witness the power of the hills of Red Rock!

Can I get a 'hill-yeah'!


Let us turn our attention to things that the good book cannot tell us. Let us look at the tale of when ‘Formulaic rocked Red Rock’.

Witness the obstacles placed before him.

See here, the combining of gravity and loose pockets.
Witness the falling of his pre race nutrition. And where do the gods of racing plunge his hopes?

To the ground? No, that would be too easy. Where then? Where is the most vile of all places to plunge?

Yes, my friends, watch as his pockets open up and drop his Ensure bottle into the deep darkness of the porta potty.

See it now, the bottle floating in the blue water. Caressed with used toilet paper and body waste.
Observe him struggle with the realization that his nutrition plans are shot. See him struggle, will he go in after it or will he run his race with no nutrition?

Behold! He thrust his hand down the porta potty and retrieves his Ensure. Covered in wads of toilet paper, it is rushed to the sink and washed repeatedly. Soap and water doth froth everywhere.
More obstacles?

Witness as Formulaic falls prey to the bane of mass starts and shoots out of the starting gates like a bullet.

And here, notice as he hits the first of many hills and watch as his pace plummets to a mere crawl.


With his pace now comparable to a turtle, witness as he is struck with small bladder syndrome. First it was the porta potty, then the bus, now see him scurry off to the nearest tree for a quick pee.

But let us not think that it was all misery.

With his bladder finally empty, his focus turns to the race.

See him meet people from all over the country. Chicago, Boston, Florida, even such faraway places as Las Vegas and Henderson!
Notice the beauty of Red Rock. The multi colored mountains. The strata of red, orange and white. See the snow on the not so distant mountains. Truthfully it is a beautiful world out here.

(stolen from Stef, really go see her, she's got more pics)

But wait, this is the "rocking of Red Rock".

See now as Formulaic finds the thrill of downhill. Watch as his legs relax and gravity takes over.

After climbing the gargantuan hill at mile 9, observe as the pace plummets from 12 minute miles to 6-7 minutes miles!


See as this momentum carries him through the rest of the race. See him flying past other racers as if they were standing still. Picking off people left and right. Girl with pig tails, gone! The guy with the yellow shirt, gone! The couple with identical shoes, Gone! The list goes on and on.

See as he finds Stef at mile 12 and with merely a pat on the shoulder, she literally propels him toward the finish.

Here now is the end of the race and he comes flying through. Unbelievable but true, the clock says “02:21:13”.

Can I get 'hill-yeah'?


Truly a ‘rocking at Red Rock’.

Before we end this tale, let us notice how now, several days after the race, Formulaic is still OK. The next day, he even swims 2,500 and bikes 20+ on tired legs.

How can this new transformation be explained? Is Formulaic possessed with some supernatural ability now? Will he be able to recreate this next time?

The answer is simple my parishioners. The secret lies in the hills, the hills of Red Rock. Without the hills, there would be no “rocking”.

Can I get a 'Hill-yeah'?

Monday - Weights
Tuesday - Rest
Wednesday - Swim 1850
Thursday - Bike - 60min
Friday - Run - Speedwork
Saturday - Swim 3150
Sunday - Brick 2hr bike; speedwork
P.S. Congrats to JohnnyTri for a great LA marathon.


Stef0115 said...


Easily the funniest and most original race report I have ever read.

WAY TO GO! Look out Rage5, Formulaic is in fine "Form" to kick some TAIL!

Thanks for the props and the links too!


Stef0115 said...

Oh yeah that porta potty episode was absolutely GROSS but you had to do it.

The Garmin may have forthwith told a very different tale had you not rescued your nutrition.

IronTriTim said...

Great race congratulations. And straight back into the training way to go.

Donald said...

Amen, brother. Fantastic report. Congrats on a greatrace!

Ryan said...

No you didn't!

NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!


Unholy Shit!!!!

I am speechless.



Remind me to watch you wash your hands before I shake them because now I know where they have been!

Nice job with the run, but No you didn't.

CoachLiz said...

That port-o-can story is as good as Johnny Tri taking the shirt off my back to use for toilet paper at the LA Marathon.